Tuesday, July 23, 2013

Butterflies

            I'm procrastinating today.  Last night's full moon shone through my bedroom window after midnight, waking me from a dream-filled sleep.  I spent the next few hours laying in wait...waiting for the churning in my stomach to calm down.  Waiting for the gentle breeze flowing through the open window to cool the room.  Waiting for sleep to come.
            It seems my whole life I've been waiting for something:  a job, a paycheck, a day off, a publisher, a sign that I'm doing the right thing with my life.  Inevitably during the waiting period,  butterflies come and flutter through my belly, making me ache with anticipation of when they will stop, when I will finally reach the finish line of whatever endeavor I'm experiencing.  

            This morning it's been a long journey to the computer to work on the memoir.  For two months I've written diligently and it's nearly halfway finished.  But today I have to write a pivotal moment, an hour of my life that occurred over twenty years ago that reframed who I thought I was....who I thought I was going to be.  I cannot leave it out of the story, for in essence, it is the story in and of itself.  It's the story of an awakening so profound, it would take nearly a decade to integrate.  And even now, I've yet to find an epilogue to that moment in time, a lifetime in the making.
            Here I am...waiting for the words to come, knowing they will pour through me in due time.   And yet, truth takes time, as all things do.  This one truth in particular has allowed me to heal in ways both mundane and profound, so I must once again reveal this sacred transformation.
            But this time, I'm older and wiser.  I know the gifts in breathing in and breathing out...of holding on and letting go. 

            Yes, I may be experiencing butterflies today, but recognize the deeper meaning behind the discomfort.  After all, butterflies can never return to that which they once were.  The caterpillar is forever transformed into a thing of beauty and grace.  What once had tiny legs, now has wings and can fly, unfettered by what came before...free to travel the world from a higher perspective.  Free to light on flowers and drink their sweet nectar.
            Free to experience the joys of independence from all that had once held it captive.

            Free.